just tell him i said nine months
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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