Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
