I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
