just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
