i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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