would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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