I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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