remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
