Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize