I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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