oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
