a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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