Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
