My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
