I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
