I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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