It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
