It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
