i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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