is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
