I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
