wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
