I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
