they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
