So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
