I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
