forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
