I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
