I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
