you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
