at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize