Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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