she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
