Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
