I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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