My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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