Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
