No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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