I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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