Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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