I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
do herpes really smell.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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