Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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