i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
