Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
