Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
