I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
