I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
