im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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