Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
