My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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