dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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