i love accidental penises.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize