she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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