It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
